friendship

One of the most influential men in my life, Chuck Flemming, once told me that there is no such thing as a platonic relationship between a man and a woman.

The topic came up tonight. The group of people I spent the evening with seemed to be much divided over the issue. Those who were married all agreed that no intimate friendships ought to take place with the opposite sex prior to marriage. The singles of the group held the opposite view that a guy and a girl can be close friends without a problem.

I didn't say much tonight about it. The truth is I don't really know the answer. On one hand, I want to believe that I can have an intimate friendship with a woman that never goes beyond just friendship. On the other, it concerns me that I may be giving away pieces of my heart that ought to be saved for the possibility of a wife. Looking backwards, I am hard pressed to recall friendships with females that did not have romantic feelings at some point along the way. Either she or I, after enough time, developed feelings that were either hidden, discussed and gotten over, or perhaps destroyed the friendship altogether.

If I were married tomorrow, what would happen to all of my female friends? Would I completely cut them off? Would my wife want me to? Would I be willing to? Would it be necessary or completely uncalled for?

It's interesting that this topic came up tonight. I'm taking a road trip to visit a female friend this week that I view as one of my best friends but nothing more. I'm curious if any of you have thoughts on this topic.

time to ramble

As I walked through the empty downtown streets of my city tonight, I realized something that is a bit startling but very true. I am a man who enjoys life most when alone. Sure, I love people. I love my friends, my coworkers, my parents. However, the ongoing game of charades ends when I'm alone. It is only then that I find myself and can be comfortable with who that is.

I saw a woman swallow fire tonight. She danced with a swirling dress to Spanish-Indian fusion type music while waving balls of flame from her hands, mouth, and head. I enjoyed it more than I possibly could with any other person. I walked through a loft filled with paintings for sale and didn't even notice them as I was taken away with the art of the old brick walls and exposed duct work. This is the very same awe that draws me to travel abroad. Surrounded by people, I find myself all alone and adore every minute of it. I burned out my daily lust for starbucks after I made friends and ceased being alone in the crowd of strangers. Within a year or two, the most exotic and intoxicating place to live grows dull and uncomfortable for the same reason. Someone once said that a man is an island. How true that is in my life. These ramparts that have the tendency to guard others from being too close to me seem to grow stronger, higher, and safer as I see the world around me while alone. They seem to take on the characteristics of one-way glass. I can see so clearly while people around me see a distorted image of themselves. I understand how dangerous it is to one's personality and growth to stay emotionally distant from others. Yet, it's only in that place that I smile from the inside out and can't care less if anyone notices or not.

Is this true freedom or an impossible prison to break away from? I don't know and don't care at the moment. Perhaps it's a mixture of the two. So be it. I find myself enjoying another Friday night alone and wouldn't trade it for anything.

I have a dream.. that little black boys and little black girls will soon join hands with...

Well, I did actually have a dream last night. I was attacked by a young tiger that was supposed to be tame. I stuck my hand down it's throat as hard as I could when it was about to bite me and it vomited all over me.

BUT

Here's a dream that I actually came up with while I was awake. I think this one sounds pretty amazing..

I'll show up in Spain along the coast somewhere and find a place to crash for a few months. I'll dive head-first into the language to learn as much as I can within the first few months. Then, I'll find a very special old man..

This old man will be in his 70's or 80's and live alone (preferably along the coast). He will be elderly enough to require assistance but not to the point of needing the services of a nursing home. Oh, and he'll be one amazing flamenco guitar player.

Here's the deal: I will move in with him, take care of him, cook, clean, be his companion, and anything else needed. Besides me living with him and eating his food, my only wages will be daily flamenco and classical guitar lessons. Yes, the main purpose of this venture will be to become a master flamenco guitar player. (I realize that this takes a lifetime of practice but it's certainly a great start.) Other likely benefits will be that I'll become a very close companion to this Spannish man in the latter years of his life. I'll become fluent in the language and a much better cook. Perhaps I'll even come out of this time a fine dancer. A dancer and guitar player that has lived under the wing of a great master for a year will generally have few that will rival him.

So, now you've seen a glimpse of my long list of dreams that I will persue before I die. Until then, I must say that this music is truly magical. Adios.

Need to whine..

Ok, I'm not in a bad mood by any means. I just need to whine. Since complainers SUCK, this is a good place for me to vent. If you get annoyed, just stop reading or whatever..

1. I hate Wal-mart. Those guys are morons.
2. Ever tried to peel 5 lbs of peaches? It sucks.

Ok and now to the good juicy whining. Since you've hung in there for the first couple gripes, you're in for a real treat.

I called Melissa tonight. Yeah, the One that turned out not to be the One. I figured..... I should have one last chat before her marriage. I did. It's over now. That's that - for real.

I called her and there was no answer but she called back a couple hours later. The girl tells me all about the stresses of preparing for a marriage. This dude she's marrying is a Christian but the two aren't going to church. That's not a good sign for her. She tells me she hasn't thought about that stuff in "a long time." She puts me on speakerphone so I could meet this Prince Charming. I say, "Hey, Knucklehead, take the girl to church!" They laugh at my joke but I think Dude caught my drift all the same..

They apparently already have an apartment. This dude still has a year of college left so they're getting married directly into a financial tight spot. I'm not a flipping marriage counselor but that's just trouble. Oh, and she actually mentioned that she is physically ready to get married like I wouldn't believe. (The knife goes in and turns..) I wanted to jump through the phone when she went on about missing me and wishing I could make the wedding in Idaho. I wanted to pop right out of her phone, deck the fianc� dude, and rescue the girl.
Did I do it? HA! Of course not. I'm a gentleman, you know. I sincerely wished her the best. It's good to have some closure. Honestly, I think the world is going to end in the next couple years. That will be the best closure, right? Keep your eyes on Iran and Russia. It's about to get hot and heavy over there.. prophecy is being fulfilled..
And you're wondering how I went from a broken heart to the current conflict in the Middle East. At the same time, I'm wondering why you've even bothered to read this far. So you and I both are somewhat retarded...

Oh yes, back to love...

Let's talk about fate. Is there only one person out there that is "meant" for you? Or, are there a multiple number of good possibilities for marriage that just depend on the time and place?

I'd like to think that there is just ONE person that is "destined" for me. However, I see a couple big problems with this possibility.
1. If she or I make a goof, then the other one is screwed. For example, if my 'the one' accidentally marries some other guy before meeting me, I'm screwed into marrying a Plan B girl.
2. It works both ways.. thus, making me 'the one' for some chick out there. What a sorry destiny when she discovers that her 'the one' is none other than ME.
Haha.

Poop. That's what I say. POOOP.

So, the only plan I've ever had that makes sense is back in full force now. I'm aggressively saving money within the boundaries of a strict budget with the sole intention of moving overseas within 3 years. This is literally and actually going to happen. Maybe my 'the one' is hangin out in Europe right now, just waiting for me to get my crazy self over there. Yeehaa.. what a thought. I hope she likes Chinese food because that's my first stop after a year in Prague. (I'm presently considering a part-time job at a Chinese restaurant just to learn some of the language and culture.)

Lastly...
There's a [deleted ]

And I don't feel right ending this little weird ramble of a blog post on that note.

So.. um..

Heyyyy, I'm 2lbs away from having lost 75lbs on my diet. Yahoo for veggies.

I'm a moron. I know.
See ya.

rough moment

I just received the invitation to the wedding for her. What a beautiful bride she will be. The pic on the invitation with her fiancé is amazing. He looks like an ok guy I guess. Mel sure has grown up a lot since I met her in 2001. She was merely 17 at the time. Hey, true gift-love wants the other to be happy regardless of reciprocation as opposed to need-love which loves only because something is needed in return. I was ready to give her the universe. Now, am I ready to sit quietly and watch another take my place? Not really. So be it though. It never was my place to begin with. The funny thing is.. she hasn't a clue of what still lingers in my heart. It feels lonely I must admit. One can only be purely logical to a point and then the heart trumps the mind. Perhaps my heart and my head will be in one accord someday as I become captivated by the overwhelming flood of warm feelings coupled with affirming logic.

What a pic this is. You should see it. Her head gently rests on his shoulder with a subtle but perfect grin. Her eyes silently shout the words I always longed to hear. Her bridegroom will capture her fully into his adventure in just a month's time. A single event that finally closes a huge chapter for me conversely opens a whole new volume for her. No more road trips for us. No more midnight walks. No more nights on the beach. No more train rides through the Yorkshire meadows. No more praying together. No more wondering. No more hoping. That's that.

Ah well. That's life, right? Bigger and better adventures surely await. I'm thankful for the capacity to love and I have learned through this ordeal that true happiness is found in loving others, regardless of what the consequences are. So.. go today and love. Love your parents. Love your woman (if you have one). Love your God. Love your steak dinner. Love the sunshine. Love the crappy rainy days. Pour your heart out and love everyone around you. You'll get hurt. So what? Love even harder. I truly believe it's the only way to live life to the fullest.

A disruption of my slumber

Yesterday, my big dumb friend thought it would be funny to test my smoke alarm. It worked just fine. It wasn't even that funny - just loud.

So, I'm sleeping all cozy like and the thing starts chirping like it's out batteries. I think I can just sleep through it but not so. Try sleeping through a smoke alarm chirping every 20 seconds and see how far you get.

I climb up on my couch and yank the thing off my wall. Surprise, Surprise. It doesn't take a battery like every other normal smoke detector in the world but is connected to all the others in the building with wires. I disassemble the whole face and pull out the wires. Just as I lay down, it STILL chirps every 20 seconds. After 10 minutes of wondering how it is chirping on my desk without a battery or power source, I decide to just leave it in the hallway near the elevator. Wow, I can still hear it all the way in my apartment. What choice have I? I decide against destroying it because the back says something about radioactive materials.

4:30am and I get dressed, walk 2 blocks to my parking deck, up a flight of stairs, and put the smoke detector in my truck. (Now that I think about it, I hope it doesnt leak any of that radioactive material on my floorboard.) The local crackheads were pissy for me waking them up but still mustered enough energy to ask for money.

Not happy.

An evening with quite a dynamic

I have found myself this weekend searching. A few key questions that have been on the back burner long enough now demand firm answers.
-What do I stand for?
-Why do I live in Birmingham?
-How does my life impact those closest to me?
-How straight up am I and how fake am I?
-How long will allow mediocrity to fill my free time?
-Should I start dating?
-Am I properly preparing to be the man/husband/father/leader that I am called to be?
-What vows to God have I made that I am breaking?
-Do I spend my money wisely?
-Where do I fit in?
-How long until I can move overseas?
-Do I truly love those around me?

Tough questions. Tougher responses.