A disruption of my slumber

Yesterday, my big dumb friend thought it would be funny to test my smoke alarm. It worked just fine. It wasn't even that funny - just loud.

So, I'm sleeping all cozy like and the thing starts chirping like it's out batteries. I think I can just sleep through it but not so. Try sleeping through a smoke alarm chirping every 20 seconds and see how far you get.

I climb up on my couch and yank the thing off my wall. Surprise, Surprise. It doesn't take a battery like every other normal smoke detector in the world but is connected to all the others in the building with wires. I disassemble the whole face and pull out the wires. Just as I lay down, it STILL chirps every 20 seconds. After 10 minutes of wondering how it is chirping on my desk without a battery or power source, I decide to just leave it in the hallway near the elevator. Wow, I can still hear it all the way in my apartment. What choice have I? I decide against destroying it because the back says something about radioactive materials.

4:30am and I get dressed, walk 2 blocks to my parking deck, up a flight of stairs, and put the smoke detector in my truck. (Now that I think about it, I hope it doesnt leak any of that radioactive material on my floorboard.) The local crackheads were pissy for me waking them up but still mustered enough energy to ask for money.

Not happy.

An evening with quite a dynamic

I have found myself this weekend searching. A few key questions that have been on the back burner long enough now demand firm answers.
-What do I stand for?
-Why do I live in Birmingham?
-How does my life impact those closest to me?
-How straight up am I and how fake am I?
-How long will allow mediocrity to fill my free time?
-Should I start dating?
-Am I properly preparing to be the man/husband/father/leader that I am called to be?
-What vows to God have I made that I am breaking?
-Do I spend my money wisely?
-Where do I fit in?
-How long until I can move overseas?
-Do I truly love those around me?

Tough questions. Tougher responses.

SHAUN AND KERRIE MAKE MY TOES STICKY

If I were to make a list of all the substances that would NOT make good objects to hurl inside a house, EGGS and MAYO would be somewhere near the top of the list.

As I sit and type this blog, my toes are sticky from egg yolks and my arm feels fuzzy from mayo. My new clothes are soaking in the bathroom sink. The livingroom smells odd.

Thanks. What a wonderful way to end a Thursday night. HEY! LETS HAVE AN EGG AND MAYONNAISE FIGHT IN THE LIVINGROOM! GOLLY GEE! THAT SOUNDS SWELL!

Dorks.

Another wonderful Monday

Wow, I just saw the tallest woman ever walk by.


Ok, so today was.... fun.

I wake up all early and buy a truck. On ebay that is. Crap, it's in New York so I better go get it soon.

Work is swell. It ends a little funny though. HR calls me in for a meeting at the end of the day since they apparently heard from someone that I was talkin junk about the company. I wasn't actually. I'm extra careful when I leave a company to finish the last two weeks really strong. It's always a bad idea to burn your bridges. So, the HR lady asks me if I'm unhappy, why I'm leaving, etc. I hesitate at first but she insists. Fine. I lay it out on the table for 45 minutes. I sincerely and unashamedly pour out everything about the department, the good, the bad. I tread on some of those forbidden territories and notice the pour old lady gulp a time or two, certainly wondering if the anxiety is visible. The conversation ends with an offer for today to be my last day. I accept with a bit of dissapointment in my voice. If nothing else, I have a two week paid vacation.

Yay. I guess it's time for planning a little trip to NYC. I figured I'd fly there but perhaps I'll take a train instead. What's 24 hours chilled out on a train? Maybe it will even lead to a little train romance. Hey, I've got the world ahead of me for the next couple weeks.

Just another day at the office

Twas a fun Friday..
I met my buddy Steve at 7am and we hung out in Matthew 9. I bought a vacuum and two toasters from Wal-Mart. Random, I know. Our cute little church is moving into a new building Sunday so we're getting everything all ready to go. While I was on a ladder switching out those long tube light bulbs, I got a call with an official offer at the new company I applied for. YAY. At work, it was REALLY fun turning in my 2-week notices to my bosses. Yeah, their department is falling apart. They need 15-18 reps and in two weeks, they will have 6. LOL! My coworkers were equally excited for me as they daydreamed about quitting.
I stopped by Barnes and Noble at lunch and had a lovely time browsing around. The day in general was fun as my coworkers and I goofed off.
So, the highlight of my evening (so far)..
I skip into my apartment building and check my mail slot thingy. There is one lonely little postcard. Someone wants me to call an 800 to hear some good news. I can't resist! I mean, good news is such a wonderful way to end a long week, right?

So, I call the 800 number. A very ghetto woman answers and tells me that I've just been entered into a one million dollar sweepstakes. WOOT! Good news so far..
Then, she gives me "the deal"
I get a $1,200 shopping spree and a 3 night vacation if I'll simply buy a magazine subscription for a year. WOW!!! What wonderful news!

Errr, only there is one little problem. I have that nagging little voice in the back of my mind that tells me how retarded I am for getting excited about this scam. Fine. So I compromise. I decide to ask a few wise questions just to confirm that this is a legit offer. Surely, if the post card says that there is good news, this must be totally honest. I start asking a few key questions about the $1,200. Yep, it's totally free as soon as I buy my magazines. The lady eventually transfers me to an equally ghetto supervisor. She suddenly gets pushy and wants my credit card number. I'm like, "well, send me the $1,200 and then I'll send you the money for the magazines. Heck, I'll sign up for a lifetime subscription." She continues to be pushy. As soon as I say, "I'm not giving you my credit card number over the phone," the next sound I hear is the click of the phone being hung up in my face. Oh well, I'm sure it was a mistake.

Now, I'm watching the most beautiful sunset that's happening just outside my oversized living room windows. Again, I'm thankful I bought this laptop last year so I can be comfy on my couch and hear the cool sounds of laptop typing.

Who knows what the future holds for the rest of my evening? It surely will be a blast either way. Shooot dude. Whether something magnificent happens and I'm swept into an adventure or if I just pass out from too many yoohoo's, the day will end with a bang.

One fat man

Eglon was the king of the Moabites many years ago. I read about him today and the story is quite intriguing..

Eglon was a fat man. I mean really fat. One historical account says King Eglon's waist was well over 400 inches. I don't know if that's possible but this guy was fat either way. That's hippo-like.

God raised up a guy called Ehud to kill the king and free Israel from the oppression of the Moabites. Well, for awhile anyways.

So Ehud gets a sword and hides it under his clothes. He goes to the fat king and tells him that he has a secret to share. The king sends everyone out to hear this secret. Ehud leans over and thrusts the sword into the king's fat belly. The sword goes in all the way past the handle itself and the fat closes back around it. The sword was about 18" long by the way. Then, the king's entrails come out. SWEEET.

Ehud takes off and locks the door behind him. The king's servants that are waiting outside the door figure that it's locked because the king is sitting on the porcelain throne. After awhile, they unlock the door and come in to find King Eglon dead on the floor. Israel then has peace for 80 years. You can check out the story in Judges 3 if you want..

What the crap does this have to do with you?? Just that: crap.

See, when the sword went in, the crap came out. Literally, the sword went in and the king's entrails came gushing out. The Bible is often referred to as "the sword of the Spirit". (Heb 4:12, Eph 6:17)

Life squeezes me and sometimes I can be a real stinker. I realize that I have a ton of crap that I need to get rid of. How can I dump this baggage out of my life and flush it away?! The Word, man. It is like a sword that pierces into my very soul. Then, all the crap gushes out and I get cleaned out, straightened up.

Think if you only took a crap once a week. That would not be very fun. Your stomach would hurt and you would probably have a really weird look on your face all the time. That's exactly why you and I must be in the Word everyday. We continually get dirtied up by the world and need to be cleansed by God's Word. The truth of his Word comes in and the junk is flushed out.

Do you ever come out of the bathroom and say to yourself, "Gee, I feel 10 pounds lighter... ahhhh." The same works with this. Take in some Bible and let the Lord dump out your crappy day, your stinky issues, your smelly problems. You'll feel better and people will have a much easier time being around you.

Beeeep Beeeeep Beeeep

Dearest MySpace Hooligans....

Since I'm so caring and wonderful (and humble, too!) I figure I should share what is making my Friday afternoon so delightful..

As I sit in my otherwise dreary cubicle, huge open windows expose the sea of assorted vehicles three stories below. Recently, I discovered that my Honda keyless entry system miraculously responds to my remote from all the way in the office. Today, I watched like a hawk and ran outside as soon as the front parking space came available.

What a thrill! I have it perfectly timed. Perhaps a boy, or a girl, or a grandma, or an accountant, or even a janitor will come strolling through the parking lot and get ready to cross down the stairs and into the main entrance. Unbeknownst to him or her, their foot steps down right next to my car as little faces peer down from above with childish grins of expectancy. BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP. They freak out, man. HAHAHA. All of us in my department that have window seats crack up laughing. I only let about three beeps go on and then quickly silence it. This one lady almost dropped this platter of something she was carrying..

Oh my, what a grand existence I have today. Wish you all were here.