25 Things About Me - I finally caved and did it.

• I ran away from home and headed for the Florida Keys at 17 with my best friend Matt. The plan was to become fishermen while living in my ’82 tie-dyed Volvo and making extra money by playing our guitars on the streets. We got stopped in Daytona for a broken taillight and were detained for a few days in Juvie until our parents felt like we learned a lesson and drove down to pick us up. I had the time of my life and would do it again.
• I found a dead body floating in the Atlantic while walking the coast with my father at 14. The guy was a friend of my grandfather’s and had shot himself in the head because he found out earlier that day that he had an inoperable brain tumor.
• Of the numerous jobs I’ve held over the years, I learned my most valuable skills about business, character, integrity, persuasion, patience, ethics, and perseverance while working at a crooked telemarketing company with open drug use and ex-con coworkers. I was 17.
• I was shot in the neck with a BB gun in middle school. The BB is just below my Adam’s Apple and you can see it if you look carefully. I’ve never had it removed because I’m scared of a doctor taking a scalpel to my throat.
• My sweetest times of worship and communion with my Savior are when I’m driving alone.
• I sometimes make faces in front of my bathroom mirror for as long as an hour because it cracks me up.
• I sleep with a small blue pillow that I’ve had since sixth grade. It goes with me on road trips and sleepovers.
• I never cried a single tear over my father’s death, yet miss him and think about him constantly. His cremains are in a cardboard box under my bathroom sink.
• I have a half-sister. Her name is Jamie, she’s 19, and the daughter of my father’s fifth ex-wife. I have no idea where she is and haven’t seen her in years. I usually tell people that I’m an only child because it’s easier than explaining.
• I think about my future wife, pray for her occasionally, and wonder what it will feel like when we lock eyes for the first time.
• Passion spills from my pen onto the pages of my various journals faster, easier, and with more clarity than I could ever express in any other way.
• I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m absolutely convinced that I am cheating at the whole Adulthood thing. I’m perfectly content with that, too.
• My mother was once a professional nude model and later owned a successful modeling agency in Atlanta. She also lived with a drug lord boyfriend in Peru in the 70’s.
• My heart yearns to travel and fully comes alive on the open road. I travel best alone.
• I still have the leftover popcorn, ticket stubs, change, receipt, a Polaroid picture, and a hand written note from my first date. I was in second grade at the time. The popcorn still looks fresh.
• I was suspended in second grade for defending myself against a group of bullies with a large cleaver. It was in my own front yard but considered an extension of school property because of the bus stop on the corner. (The bullies didn’t bother me after that day.)
• My greatest fear is living a life of mediocrity and leaving no legacy or mark on the world. My second greatest fear is snakes.
• Due to the way my mother raised me, I’m the most physically affectionate person you’re likely to meet.
• I was brainwashed as a child and was forced to listen to the oldies radio station against my will. Music from the 50/60’s became my favorite music and I listen to an oldies channel to this day as often as I can.
• Serial killers and the like fascinate me. I like to read the profiles of murderers – especially unusual bits such as their last meal requests before they’re executed.
• My favorite bands are Weezer and Dave Matthews, in that order. Their music has gotten me through the harshest winters of life’s cruelty.
• My youth pastor and I spent a summer building the outside baptismal at Calvary Chapel Stone Mountain. I’ve played guitar in summer concerts on it (it doubles as an outside stage). My Jewish father was baptized in it shortly after he accepted Jesus as Messiah at 60 years old. He and I got matching Malachi 4:6 tattoos earlier that day to celebrate.
• My grandfather was one of the wealthiest men in Florida from the 1940’s till the 1970’s. I’ve seen a picture of him arm-in-arm with Al Capone, who was one of his close friends.
• I cry often and easily but rarely in front of anyone.
• My favorite places in the world to be: standing in front of a group of people and teaching from the Bible, in a quiet coffee shop with a journal and pen in hand, in the arms of the woman I love, on my face before the Lord in worship, setting out for an adventure that has yet to be determined, basking in awe of God’s beautiful creation, and getting lost in the eyes of anyone who inspires me.

Christmas on the Farm

Playing Joseph in my church's "Christmas on the Farm" this weekend surprisingly had quite an effect on me. I know the Christmas story inside and out. Since I was a little guy, I've always seen Jesus as the focal point of Christmas – as He should be. Last night was something new though. No, there was nothing different about the setting. It was rather typical – stable, donkey, sheep, shepherds, straw bedding in a wooden manger, a beautiful Mary, a borrowed baby doll, and a chilling wind that ignored my multiple layers of tunic clothing and went straight for the marrow.

There was something new though.

Although much of the ten minute presentation became repetitive, one portion did not. Just as a gentle song began in the background, Mary gently handed me the baby Jesus, wrapped in soft white cloth. For the next few moments, I was no longer acting. I looked back into those incredibly lifelike eyes and an involuntary smile spread across my face. A lump formed in my throat as I held the Child who would soon die for my sins and the sins of the world. Fully God and fully man, Immanuel, God with us. The creator of the universe nestled against my chest. My heart exploded with awe and thankfulness. As the smell of the animals' dung filled my nostrils and the frigid air attacked my body's warmth, I thanked the Father for sending His Son to such a disgusting world. Jesus emptied Himself, became of no reputation, took the form of a lowly servant, and ultimately suffered for a world that rejected Him.

My mind doesn't comprehend such love but that's alright. I'll continue to be dumbfounded day after day, Christmas after Christmas, as the Lord continues to remind me how much He loves me and how much it cost to reconcile me back to Himself. The word Gospel means "good news." It's true. It's so very true.

One for the Books

One of my favorite assignments from high school was a simple English project in which I picked a painting and a quote and mounted them on professional matting. No rules on subject matter, just rules on dimension and material. Ms. Freedman said mine was her favorite in all her years teaching. Neat old Jewish woman. I never once heard her use my first name. It was always a grumbly Greenfield!. So anyways, my project was pretty cool. I let Ms. Freedman keep it upon her request. It consisted of a painting of an old man with a little boy sitting on his knee. Together, they were playing a guitar. Just under the painting were John Lennon's famous words "all you need is love."

Is it true? Is that really all we need? Usually, I would say no. On any other day, the logical side of me would explain that we need much more than love. We need air, food, water, clothes, warmth, security. Not tonight though. What good is air when my chest struggles to gasp for a single breath? What good is food and water when my stomach has some painful mass of dull steady emptiness? My closet reeks of memories that further intensify the heartache. The down comforter and numerous pillows adequately contain my body's warmth but yet I still sense an icy cold on the inside. The neighborhood may be safe tonight but I still feel robbed and vulnerable.

But it's not just that..

My old man is still chillin under the bathroom sink. After all those years of hearing him talk and talk and talk (freakin telemarketers), I'd love to hear his voice just once more.

I brought my mother dinner tonight. What a sweet woman. As she happily munched on the pizza with her favorite toppings that I know by heart, she rambled about something on TV. As usual, it was difficult for me to even make eye contact. The oxygen tube running just beneath her cheek bones, the walker adjacent to the recliner, and the constant slur of words were all just reminders of how much I miss my mom. I miss the mom that she used to be.

I also saw my puppy tonight. My 16 year old puppy. For a pet hater, I sure do love my Rascal. Sometimes I wonder if he'll actually out live my mom. They're both getting closer by the day. Rascal will likely get a more formal funeral with more tears shed than my pops. Funny how things work out.

Brian Nichols' life was spared tonight. After being found guilty on 54 counts of various crimes including four murders, we somehow had a hung jury: 9/3. Because three jurors didn't sentence Brian to die, he will live - by default. My heart has been broken and re-broken again and again over the past three months of this trial for the families that lost loved ones on March 11, 2005. How could we possibly have spared this man's life? Judge Barnes' wife won't have her husband for yet another Christmas. Same goes for Julie Bandeaux's daughter, Sergeant Teasley's mom, and Agent Wilhelm's mentally handicapped brother. Justice? 5+ million tax payer dollars for this trial and much more for a lifetime in prison. I don't know. I just don't know.


So what is my conclusion tonight? Hell, I don't know. The love around me is severely tainted. My family is a mess, my country is a mess, my life is a mess.

Tomorrow, I'm trading toiletries for toiletries. It's really just an excuse for one last moment together before we allow our broken hearts to start letting go and moving on. In time, we won't look at each other the same. How I wish I could just grab her up and run far away. Throw caution to the wind and go. My love, my companion, my inspiration, my comforter, the very object of my passion. A terror lurks deep within that I'm passing up my soul mate. Either way, we did have a great run and a beautiful romance. One for the books. I'm a better man and a deeper lover because of it. Even picked up a couple dance steps – whaddayaknow.

All you need is love, eh? Sounds rather plausible tonight. All I can do is encourage you and encourage myself to keep loving. Let's not grow cold and callused, serious and cynical: dreary old pessimists. Let's love people even though our love is sadly lacking in consistency and selflessness. Let's keep receiving love even though it sometimes comes with ulterior motives and strings attached. By all means, love until you're bruised and bloody and then love some more. Never forget that, when all else fails, you've got a Savior that loves you unconditionally and gave His life for you. If I know anything about anything, I know that's absolutely true. Although I'm feeling a crippling loneliness tonight, my Savior is closer to me than I realize. His love is perfect, complete, and unchanging.

If you do have someone to love during the holidays, don't get caught up in the hoopla of the shopping frenzies. Just love them. Figure out how to love them and then smother them in love. Be their hero and lavish them with your affections. Don't take them for granted. For many of us, this will be our last Christmas with certain folks. Even if the endings aren't perfect 10's, we can surely do our best to love with everything we've got. You have the ability to make each of your relationships "one for the books." Declare your love, display your love, act your love, commit your love. Life is too damn miserable any other way.

Did God create evil?

Have you ever heard someone ponder how a loving God could allow sin/evil to be in the world? Recently, it was suggested to me that God actually created sin so that He could show just how gracious, merciful and forgiving He is.

Bogus.

But it got me thinking..
Before just attacking a stance that I disagree with (which I did – whoops), I should step back and see what the Bible has to say on the subject.

"And everyone who has this hope in Him [God] purifies himself, just as He is pure. Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness. And you know that He was manifested to take away our sins, and in Him there is no sin. Whoever abides in Him does not sin. Whoever sins has neither seen Him nor known Him.. He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil." (1 John 3:3-6, 8)

Ok, so I get that. God is pure, holy, and absolutely without sin. This passage defines sin as lawlessness, which is having motives and behavior contrary to God's law. God's law in Exodus 20 is a reflection of His character and this 1 John passage clearly states that there is no sin in God.

The 1 John passage explains that sin came from the devil. God created Satan so does that mean that God created sin? No. Check this out – "You [Satan] were perfect in your ways from the day you were created, till iniquity was found in you." (Eze. 28:15) Ok, so now we're getting somewhere. Satan was created perfect but then became flawed later. Satan rebelled at some point in history (see Isa. 14:12-15) and that's when he started being a sinful being.

But if it's true that God created everything, isn't it logical to reason that sin, by its very existence, was created by God?

Think of it like this. God didn't create dark. He created light. You can't make dark. Dark is simply the absence of light. Same thing with cold. Cold is the absence of heat. Or silence, which is the absence of noise/sound.

Here's the key. God created beings, both angelic and human, as creatures of free will. God could have created robots that were programmed to automatically love Him and obey Him but that wouldn't be true love, right? True love is only love when there's choice involved. After all, forced love is merely rape. So, God decided to create beings with the capacity of free thinking. When created beings choose to disobey and rebel against God, the rebellion by definition is Sin. God didn't create sin. God created Choice. Choice that's contrary to God's character of sinless holy perfection is defined as Sin. God didn't cause Adam and Eve to sin, nor does He cause any of us to sin. James wrote, "Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am tempted by God,' for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone.'" (James 1:13)

Adam and Eve decided on their own to rebel against God and this is how sin entered our world. Rom. 5:12 explains this concept.

Although it was a well-meaning Christian that posed the erroneous idea that God created sin, I've heard atheists argue that the existence of sin/evil in the world is proof that God doesn't exist. It goes like this:

1) If God exists, he is omnibenevolent [totally good].
2) If God exists, he is omnipotent [can do anything].
3) An omnibenevolent God would not permit evil to exist.
4) An omnipotent God would have the power to prevent evil's existence.
5) Therefore, if God exists, evil does not exist.
6) Evil exists.
7) Therefore, God does not exist.

The problem is point 3. The Bible teaches that God is totally 100% good but that He still allows evil to exist. Allowing evil to exist does not mean that God is responsible for it, nor ok with it. When I was a child, my mother often asked me to clean my room. I usually didn't obey. My rebellion against my mother's instruction did not mean that she was responsible for my sin, nor that she caused my sin.

Sin is serious stuff, Folks. Sin is what separates us from God. When I look around this screwed up world and see all the evil that has poisoned it, I don't blame God because it's not His doing. God has allowed the evil to exist but only temporarily. He is showing tremendous patience with mankind so that everyone will have many opportunities to turn from their evil ways and turn to Him. One day soon, however, God will put an end to evil. I'm thankful that God has showed His incredible love for me though. He paid the penalty of my personal evil as He shed His blood on the cross so that I could be in a right standing before Him.

Anything

I saw Lane Seabolt at my favorite little coffeehouse last night. One particular song is really moving me and I’d like to share the lyrics with you in a moment.

Broken love, crushed dreams, lingering memories. I've heard that our most vivid memories are attached to specific scents. Interesting. A smell recently triggered a memory that violently shook me to the core of my being. Do we realize how much we hold onto the past? Do we realize that our present actions will soon become memories that will only be relived as secondhand experiences? Like a thrift store, I peruse the rusted shelves of my former romances. Not really in the mood to buy anything. Just looking around, taking it in. Remembering how the broken toys used to light up and play music and how the tattered worn dresses used to sparkle like new. Perhaps a small part of me wants to grab a dress, throw a tie around my neck, and dance down the isle one last time. However, those dresses are vacant now – long ago forgotten.

Rambling..

Anyways, here's the lyrics to the song..

"Anything" by Lane Seabolt
www.myspace.com/laneseaboltmusic

i dont know if there was
anyone else who was
standing there
watching you
moving as if it all
mattered but we both know
nothing means anything
anymore anymore anymore

far below
there's a room
where i keep all that you
left in the pantry
and under your pillow
i know it's juvenile
but when i close my eyes
i still remember
your smell in the morning
when all was calm
all was new
all was good
but for you
hiding your face in your pillow

dont tell me what to do
i'm still in love with you
you're still a part of this sad situation
you can move on
but you'll never move past
all the words that were spoken
with only your eyes

long ago
we both knew
you for me
me for you
i still remember it like it was yesterday
i dont know if there was
something between us but
you've taken everything everything everything

so they say
it takes two
now it's just him and you
dancing and dreaming
and moving as if it all
mattered but we both know
nothing means anything
anymore anymore anymore

Happy Meals

I had my first post-childhood McDonalds Happy Meal tonight. They actually have a big kid size - six chicken nuggets, small fries, small drink, and a toy. It was surprisingly good and the perfect size. I did feel a little awkward reaching towards the drive-thru window to grasp the colorful cardboard container. Oh, and I almost got in a wreck on the way home playing with the little toy. It's this penguin looking guy that is riding a vehicle of some sort that shoots dual torpedo thingies. Some people send txt messages while driving or play with the radio. Not me. I play with Happy Meal toys. Four bucks well spent.

Stop Labeling

I read an interesting article on Zen Habits today (http://zenhabits.net/2008/09/11-refreshing-ways-to-bring-out-the-awesomeness-in-life/). Of the 11 ways suggested to bring out the awesomeness in life, #2 is particularly interesting. It's got me thinking - what is a label? when are they necessary? when do they complicate? is a truth only as solid as its label?.. hmm... thoughts?

"2. Stop labeling. It’s amazing how much we think we’re experiencing life, but we’re really just thinking about it. I want you to try a little exercise with me. Take a look at something around you. Maybe it’s a photo, a plant, or your keyboard. Our normal state of mind is to think about the object we’re looking at, to conceptualize it in our mind and place labels on it. Now look at the same object and don’t think about it. If this is difficult for you, that’s okay. Relax and just look. Let go. Notice a difference? That’s because when you’re not thinking about what you’re things, you’re actually experiencing life directly. The labels in our mind are simply abstractions, they’re not reality itself. Try doing this more often: when you’re in line at the grocery store, walking your dog, listening to music, etc. You’ll start to enjoy your experience much more."