Saturday, May 31, 2008

Don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello...

So, it's the end of another season of my life as I move into June tomorrow. These "seasons" usually don't have such distinct starts and stops. Usually, they just sort of blend into each other. Not this one though. My father died on February 3rd, 2006. I met her the same week and thus began the season that I'm finishing today. What's significant about June 1st? Nothing. Actually, everything. My Savior has graciously granted me yet another fresh start. His unconditional and passionate love for me mystifies me.

My goodbyes never seem to stick. I don't know how to say goodbye to the people I love. Just ten minutes ago, I moved my old man from under the bathroom sink to a moving box. That's cardboard inside cardboard - interesting. I'll throw the moving box with his crushed bones, alongside with bottles of cleaner and toilet paper, into the back of my truck. We'll take a little ride to my new place. Here ya go, Pops. Meet your new resting place for the next while. I hope this bathroom sink treats you as well as the last did. I know I promised to shoot you off in some fireworks but I just haven't gotten around to it. Miami is a long drive and gas prices have risen. Ya dig? Cool. Actually, I kind of like having you around. I remember you every time I reach for some shaving cream or mouthwash. I also remember you every time I eat a bite of sushi, see a beautiful blonde stroll by, listen to the Moody Blues. I remember you every time I stop by Havana Sandwich Shop, get an unwelcome whiff of cigarette smoke, buy a mango. You'd be pleased with me I think.

I'm saying goodbye to this bedroom I've rented for the past couple years. My roomie left a note on the dining room table today (ooo, I have a crazy memory about that table.. hmm....). I may not see him again. I feel like I should take him to dinner or shake his hand. I feel like I should tell him that I'll miss him and that he can call me anytime he wants to hang out. But wait – I won't miss him. I haven't hung out with him in a year. Where does this stuff come from? Why is it ever-so-slightly difficult to say goodbye to him? Dunno. So long, Captain. I hope Iraq goes easy on you next year. Oh, and I'm sorry about the green stain on my carpet. Nyquil stains white carpet like you wouldn't believe.

I said goodbye to her today. Again. This time is for real – trust me. It took some serious drama for her and I to finally part. And yet, my heart that has re-broken countless times in the past year weeps for a love it never truly wanted. What's up with that? Seriously. I don't get it. I said the L word for the first and last time today. A bit late, I'm sure. Maybe it was a bad idea but I would have regretted NOT saying it for the rest of my life. It was typed and not spoken but my heart has spoken it through my smiles, embraces, and conversations to her all along. At least she knows for sure now. And to think, I could be planning the beginning of our lives together right now. Do we realize the magnitude of the impact of our decisions? Definitely not. I'll never see on this side of eternity even a glimpse of what that single decision affected. Bye, Hunnie. I'll miss you. You were great. We had a good run and gave it our best shot. I do love you. My life will forever be touched by our year together. The man that finally snatches you up will be one lucky fella. I hope he loves you more passionately than I could and treats you like the princess that you are.

So, it's the end of a season. I enjoyed some of the most colorful memories of my entire life. I loved with all of my heart. I screwed everything up. Oh well. The season is over, I'm licking my wounds, and there's a new start waiting for me tomorrow. It's times like this that familiar idioms seem to have more meaning. There's no use crying over spilt milk. Roll with the punches. If you fall off the horse, get back on. Yes. I'll do just that. Falling off the proverbial horse hurts like no other but the rush of the wind in your face and the feeling of the powerful gallop against your body is reason enough to try again. I'll love harder next time. I'll give more of myself away next time. I'll risk even more and go for broke. Our love, I think, is meant to be given away.

Goodbye, Hunnie. Fare thee well, Pops. Take it easy, Roomie. Thanks for making this a wild season. Thanks for inspiring me to be a better man. I hope you'll forgive my mistakes over time.

Hello, June. I've never been so excited to see you in the former twenty-five times we've met. You snuck up on me before. This time will be different. I thought you'd never get here. Welcome back! I'll kiss you thirty times from my gratitude. Treat me well. I'll do my best to make all of you count. I'll allow my Savior to romance me again. I'll try to learn from my mistakes. I want to make you proud this time.


Here we go..

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